Opposites Attract: How Pro-Lifers And Pro-Choicers Can Work Together

Here is a comprehensive, alphabetized, cross-referenced list of all the reasons you should be ashamed if you have ever had an abortion:

I think that about covers it.

You shouldn’t be.

Getting past this shaming of abortion will go a long way not only in women’s reproductive rights but in achieving the goals of both pro-choice and pro-life camps.

Hear me out.

The decision to terminate a pregnancy is rarely — if ever — an easy one. Even when a woman knows, 100% without a doubt, abortion is the right decision to make, it isn’t something she does lightly or without concerns, fears and — yes — perhaps a few reservations as well.

There’s a belief in parts of the pro-life movement that pro-choicers don’t like to think about the fact that abortion ends a life. Technically they’re right. One of the foundations of the pro-choice belief is that a fetus doesn’t become a life until later in the pregnancy. As a result, an abortion that happens in the first few months isn’t seen as the ending of a life. It is, however, acknowledged as the ending of what could become a life.

Pro-choice supporters aren’t heartless, we’re pragmatists. The fact is, becoming pregnant is something that can happen way too easily. It’s something that doesn’t require our permission — or, in some cases, our consent — to take place. But that doesn’t mean that every pregnancy needs to or even should be carried to term. Maybe that’s why our gestation period is so long. Maybe we get that buffer to make sure we’re ready. I know plenty of wonderful people who were “surprise babies”, myself included. But I also know way too many people who were unplanned, unwanted and turned out okay in spite of — not because of — their upbringing.

Having said that, when you’re pro-choice and you make that decision to abort, you know that you’re taking a step that ends what could be the start of a human life.

You innately understand the gravity of the situation. Stopping a process before it creates a life isn’t the same as ending an established life, but that doesn’t mean it’s a decision most women enter into lightly.

First, you have to accept the fact that you’re pregnant. Even for women who are happy about it or who ultimately choose to carry the baby to term, it’s an earth-shattering moment. Seeing that confirmation changes everything.

No matter what you decide to do, things will be different, you’ll be a different person. Even when you know it’s not the right time, not the right choice, your mind flashes to what could be. It’s human nature.

Having an Abortion Isn’t Avoiding the Consequences

Anyone who thinks getting an abortion is “avoiding the consequences” has clearly never had one. Chances are they also haven’t watched as a friend struggles with the choice or held the hand of a friend while they take their pills on a lunch break.

For women who choose not to see the pregnancy through, it’s about finding a solution. Finding a clinic — sometimes hours or even days away from your home — and getting through that initial appointment and securing a time for the operation. It could mean taking multiple days off of work and needing to travel. It likely won’t be covered by any form of insurance. Oh, and someone might need to drive you home. So you’re going to have to share all of this information with someone — even if that’s the last thing you want to do.
Throughout the process, you confirm the pregnancy, discuss your decision, hear about options and are told in detail what will happen during the procedure. It comes with risks — the potential for physical and mental complications that every woman has to consider carefully.

When you show up for your appointment, you’ll likely need to walk past protesters. Maybe you live in an area where they just have prayer circles outside. If you’re not that lucky then you’ll experience what many women experience: people shouting things like ‘whore’ and ‘slut’ while they wave pictures of aborted fetuses in your face.

Going through the procedure of having an abortion is uncomfortable at best, and usually downright painful. It’s physically painful, both during the procedure and after. Cramping, headaches, nausea and dizziness are all common. It’s tough emotionally thanks to wildly fluctuating hormone levels and the emotional or spiritual issues the woman may have wrestled with while making her decision.

Once the procedure is done, you’ll leave the clinic. That means walking past the protesters again.

At home you can expect to spend a few days recovering physically. Hormone fluctuations can make dealing with the emotional component more complicated. It is also affected by the circumstances surrounding your choice and how much — or how little — support you have.

Terminating a pregnancy isn’t about ‘avoiding the consequences’ of sex. It’s about admitting you’re not ready — physically, emotionally or otherwise — to do what is required of someone to bring a new life into the world. It’s about looking inward and being honest about what can and can’t — or won’t — do.
Those aren’t easy decisions to make.

Getting an abortion isn’t the absence of consequence — it is its OWN CONSEQUENCE. So let’s stop acting like women are skipping in and out of clinics like it isn’t a big deal. Are there women who have an abortion done, joke about it and act like it has zero impact on their life? Of course — there are assholes in every demographic. But they are in the absolute minority.

Bodily Integrity

Among all the emotional and spiritual issues surrounding the abortion debate, there’s the very real legal foundation of Bodily integrity.
Bodily Integrity is the principle that acknowledges that every human being has the right to “autonomy and self-determination over their own body”. Essentially it’s the idea that YOU control your own body.

Bodily Integrity is the reason you can’t be forced to donate blood. If there was a plague and YOUR blood possessed some mutation that made it possible to cure people they still couldn’t force you to donate blood. Hospitals can’t just take viable organs from someone who has died. If the person doesn’t have an organ donor card, the hospital has to seek permission from their next of kin.
Even after you’re dead, your Bodily Integrity is preserved. The idea that the right of Bodily Integrity is suspended for women who become pregnant simply doesn’t make sense. It’s a right we have beyond DEATH.

Pro-Choice ≠ Pro-Abortion

Pro-Choice is just what it sounds like: in favor of more choices.
That means being pro-choice doesn’t mean a person is pro-abortion. In fact, you can be pro-choice and still pro-life.

Offering a choice isn’t the same as demanding compliance. Instead of working to remove options from a woman in crisis, why not focus all that energy on offering women better, more viable and truly accessible alternatives?
Work to advocate for protections and resources that actually give women more options — not less. The laws and procedures surrounding abortions can be improved as well.

Militant pro-lifers work to shorten the window in which a woman can legally obtain an abortion. Their intent is that it will prevent abortions, but I think it has the opposite effect. As it stands now, some states have created laws that result in women needing to make a decision RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND once they find out they are pregnant.

For a woman who is unsure, she feels like her hand is forced — if she’s going to have any hope of getting a safe procedure she has to do it NOW. There is simply no time to sit down, weigh her options, speak to a dedicated counselor and determine which truly is the healthiest and best decision for her — including understanding her options for help seeking support or information on adoptions. In this way, pro-lifers are working against their own goals.
So let’s start by shedding these stereotypes we have of pro-choice advocates being heartless people with no regard for human life; Or pro-life supporters being religious zealots, interested only in enforcing their religious beliefs on others.

The fact is, pro-choice advocates want to secure all the options available for women. These men and women simply want to ensure that women retain their right to exercise bodily autonomy and choose what’s best for them. It’s not always about abortion, but it is always about choice.

On the other end of the spectrum, pro-life supporters often donate their time, energy and money to various support networks for new mothers. They coordinate donations of clothes, diapers and other necessities. They arrange for help with everything from rent to transportation to medical appointments.
Each side of this debate has an entire army of passionate and dedicated women who want to help other women. While we may never reach a middle ground when it comes to the specific issue of abortion, there’s plenty we can do to promote our common goals.

Let’s ALL take action that ensures women have more options, more choice and more freedom. And let’s make sure our devotion to the quality of human life extends beyond birth.

Campaign for better sex education, easier access to birth control, better resources for young women who want to have their child but lack the financial and medical support they need.

Press law makers to tighten up the laws on child support enforcement. Lobby for improved social safety nets such as WIC, CHIP and support for adoption, social services and foster families.

Let’s make adoption mainstream and explore everything from temporary foster care and traditional adoption to open adoptions and improved support for extended family members who take on custody.

There’s also plenty of work that needs to be done educating children — not only about sex but about families but also managing a household and basically being an adult.

Bring back Home Economics and Shop for both sexes, push for common sense math skills like comparing interest rates on credit cards and budgeting on a variety of economic levels and classes that teach about nutrition on a budget. If we want to raise people with an appreciation for the miracle of parenthood, we have to arm them with the skills they need to survive those first few years.
While we’re at it, let’s also stop framing pregnancy as a ‘consequence’ of sex or refer to having unplanned children as ‘living with your mistakes’.

It’s Time to Move On

The way I see it, there’s not much to be gained in arguing one side against the other. First, it’s simply exhausting. All this energy gets thrown into fights and debates trying to …. what? Get people to change sides? Whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life, the odds of you flipping sides are pretty low.

But that doesn’t mean these two groups have nothing in common. At the end of the day, both pro-lifers and pro-choicers have a similar goal: fewer abortions. Pro-lifers obviously would prefer exactly zero abortions but even the most ardent pro-choice supporter will tell you that no reasonable person is “rooting for abortion”. As we’ve established, it’s a difficult procedure to go through mentally, physically and emotionally.

So let’s stop fighting a pointless battle and focus that energy into actions that achieve our shared goal.

Both sides win when we advocate for early sex education, easier access to birth control and a more open approach to discussing sex and the consequences it can bring.

Parents are better prepared and children can thrive when they have greater access to prenatal care regardless of income or coverage.

Make adoption and fostering a more realistic and less stigmatized option by supporting foster parent and adoption programs.

Advocate for community support programs like WIC to help support expecting mothers and their young children.

The conversation surrounding reproductive rights and pregnancy options needs to become broader than simply pro-choice or pro-life. Because there’s a deeper common goal these two factions share as well. Having a child is a true miracle. It shouldn’t be a punishment or consequence. It should be something that is celebrated.

That means equipping people with the skills, the confidence and the support they need. This is the common goal for everyone no matter which side they fall on concerning abortion: Pregnancies that are welcomed and children who are loved.

That’s how we win.